I deliberately took a year of celibacy – starting late August 2006. I had many reasons to do this, one of them being that between January 2004 and August 2006 I had dated 8 people, including two women that were a year long and eleven months, respectively. That’s a lot of people and drama in two years and eight months.
In this year, my life hasn’t been completely free of drama, or even sex in the strictest sense of the word, but it has been pretty tame compared to previous years. Granted, I spent eight months of the twelve NOT at the drama cesspool (I say that fondly) that is my women’s college as I went abroad for a good chunk of that. I’m sure that helped a lot.
While it hasn’t been completely drama free (I’m starting to think that that is not possible, that life = drama), I feel like this decision was very good for me. I have spent a lot of time thinking about myself and how I relate to people both in relationships and out of relationships. I spent a lot of time thinking about what went wrong in those relationships, and time thinking about how I can improve my own communication and relationship skills.
I have grown and changed a lot in the past three years. All of these relationships have changed me in some way, all of these women and more have had an effect on my life in one way or another. This past Year of No Sexual Relationships was spent examining and managing these changes and the effect that it has had on my life and my outlook.
Some results of this year?
I have learned that I can grow and change as a person on my own, without this change being attached or directly influenced by other people. I have thought about who and what it is that I want in a relationship. I have learned that my genitals and impulses do not, in fact, rule my life.
And I started dating boys. Or rather, to give a nod to the gender spectrum, I started dating “people” rather than “women and the occasional gender queer/FTM.”
This last development creates a whole new slew of problems that would ideally need time to think about, time I will not get this year. When you’ve been identifying, living, and out as a lesbian since you were fourteen – seven years ago – what do you do when you start dating men? How do you explain to your mother if and when birth control (of any form) shows up on the family insurance statement? And that whole worrying about pregnancy thing, that’s just weird. Having to figure out what kind of birth control is going to work out best for me, having to worry about not just 2-4 STIs that are commonly transmitted between women but all of them? Straight women do this? Just to have sex? Christ. What a stresser.
But, my mother. Seriously. It has taken me seven years to get her used to the fact that I like women, I date women, and that she will end up with a daughter-in-law. Now, even if I explain that that is still a very real possibility [probability], her hopes will be pinned on me ending up with the nice upstanding [male] citizen, having a beautiful extended family wedding, buy an SUV, a nice house in the suburbs, a dog, and 2.2 little brats she might call grandchildren.
I haven’t really figured out what to do with her yet.
Why is sexuality so complicated? I’m starting to think that it wouldn’t be at all if society stopped auto-boxing people into heteronormative heterosexual relationships. Then all of this civil rights/gay marriage talk would be a non issue and people would go about their lives without having to worry about telling their parents anything about their sex life until they’re in a committed relationship.
I suppose if life was easy, it would be stagnant and boring and wouldn’t produce nearly as many great leaders or democracies.
Or, for that matter, sitcoms and reality television.
